Dear...

I know this was supposed to be a letter I mailed to you, but I believe in whenever you're moved to do something you should do it at that moment. So here's your letter. Sometimes I wish you didn't like me. I don't mean in that not liking me as a person. I mean when you "like, like" someone. If you didn't like me, it would be easier to be an asshole. I mean I don't have that problem naturally, as you've found out time and time again, but if you didn't like me I wouldn't feel bad when I did it. Don't take it as me being around you for feeling sorry for you. I know that rubs you the wrong way. I just hate to make people feel bad. But like I said earlier I have that innate ability to do that. It seems like lately our conversations revolve around me apologizing and you chastising me. I know you don't like that term, but again sometimes it feels that way. And when I say stuff that sounds like I'm encouraging you to go out and live, I don't mean it to sound like you're sitting home waiting for me to call. But it seems like whenever I do call you or whenever you call me you're at home. Then whenever I'm out and you call, I feel like I should be home so you can talk to me. Maybe part of the reason for me wanting you to be out and "have a life" is so that you won't be available whenever I do finally call all I'll get is your voicemail. That would make it easier to cut you out. Don't get me wrong that's not what I want to do, but I've operated that way for so long it's like second nature. And that's another thing that frustrates me. I'm being forced to actually think when I'm in a relationship. I know, it's that dreaded word I've always hesitated to use. But this is the closest thing to a relationship I've had in years. But back to my original point...you make me think. I know that sounds pretty silly. But when you've been manipulating people to your will for so long, and you meet a person who actually can and does challenge what you do, say and think it's somewhat challenging. I mean God forbid I meet someone who makes me think. Also, I think I let the pressure of potentially being in a relationship get to me. I know those things take a lot of work. And like I tell you sometimes (and if I haven't here's me telling you now), I'm a person who likes to deal with things face to face. If there's a problem we have going on, I'd much rather have the conversation face to face as opposed to over the phone. The reason I've always liked to do that is because I can read people's faces. I guess that helps me manipulate people. But whenever we do talk face to face and you call me on my manipulation, I'm stuck. So conventional wisdom would say stop doing that right. That's kinda hard to do. I think that's all I have for now. I didn't intend for this to sound like a gripe session, but I guess that's what was needed to be said. I know it's rare when I say what's on my mind and when I let people in. Well this is why. I know I'm a cold blooded piece of work. And I know I'm capable of having my honesty misinterpreted, so that's why I clam up. So the more you pry, the tighter I get. There are times I want to work on fixing it, and times I don't. It so happens that you're the person who "benefits" from it. Ok, now I'm done seriously. I don't have anything witty to say to close this out, so I'll just say...bye.