I Don't #$% With Santa!
Warning: This post is completely random. Feel free to comment. If not, simply observe it, chuckle and continue your day. But here it is.
I can't mess with Santa. I mean who else thinks it's weird that our American culture glorifies an obese, Anglo-Saxon man who basically breaks into your house and eats your milk and cookies. Sure he leaves presents, but that's a small pennance to pay for breaking and entering. Last time I checked, niggas got jail time for that. Key word here: niggas. I guarantee if Santa's real name was "insert stereotypical name Black man here please" and not Kris Kringle, he'd be getting bread and water and not Soft Batch cookes and 2% for the next 18 months. And since when do we celebrate obesity? All I hear is low carb this and non fat that. Looks to me like Santa should go Atkins. I mean how else is he gonna fit down my chimney. Matter of fact, I don't even have a chimney. If you have a chimney where you live right now, put your hands up. Now take a look around. Do you see anyone's hand up??? EXACTLY!!!
posted by Jarrod at 6:09 AM
8 Comments:
my momma got a chimney. i heard santa's so magical he fits in the furnace, too tho so i on't know. but maybe it ain't such a bad idea for him to get on an exercise plan. float that out to the masses. pitch it for a christmas story. "if santa kept up with the times" give him the net, an ipod, and a blackberry/palm pilot to check his christmas lists, a treadmill, some viagra. it'll be great.
4:16 PM
Mad she said viagra. That actually sounds like an interesting story. Or what about "if Santa were real, what would his Doctor say about him" - check off hypertension, back pain, and a good case of the sugar from eating all those cookies.
My mom doesn't have a chimney and neither do I. I found out Santa wasn't real when my sister made me stay up late one Christmas Eve and made me watch my mother put our presents under the tree. I was disappointed for a second, but in the morning, I opened my presents happily. Santa didn't bring anything to our house after that.
5:55 PM
t dot... yo sister is an asshole for that!!! hilarious.
6:20 AM
Yeah, she is. And when I mention it to her, she still laughs to this day. I pray she doesn't break it to her own child (who is now 8) the same way. Don't want to scar the baby for life.
12:57 PM
t, you should tell your niece and ruin it for your sister.
this post was pure hilarity.
12:58 PM
LMAO!
LMAOOOOOOOOO!!!
This is great. Exactly the kinda Christmas Scroogery I needed to read.
7:51 PM
Random update, I told my sister the story of how she broke the news of Santa to me when I visited her this weekend. She laughed at me. Hard.
And I couldn't break it to my niece. I think she's figuring it out. She should. She's nearly grown!
9:09 AM
Random update, I told my sister the story of how she broke the news of Santa to me when I visited her this weekend. She laughed at me. Hard.
And I couldn't break it to my niece. I think she's figuring it out. She should. She's nearly grown!
9:09 AM
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