The Big 4-0

First and foremost, let me say welcome back to all previous readers and hello to some new ones. I'll explain the long layoff from blogging in another post. For now, I'm focusing on my newest task and topic of this particular post: trying not to drink alcohol. I can hear jaws drop across the Internet and chuckles rumble from people who think I'm nuts for doing this. Truth is, I'm not sure I'll make it. But I plan to learn a lot about myself through this process. The reason for me abandoning the sweet, sweet taste of the spirits is spiritual...kinda. It all started when a co-worker of mine told me she was giving up sweets for Lent. I figured, why let her be the only person who suffers. So I decided to give up something...cursing. But my co-worker said that wouldn't be hard enough. So I (perhaps foolishly) said I'd give up the sauce. That was 4 days and several glasses of ginger ale ago (if you squint it kinda looks like I'm drinking booze). So far I'm doing ok, but I almost had a relapse (I sound like I just left the Betty Ford Clinic...lol). Something went down at the job and I got mad...and instantly, I wanted to have a drink. I hadn't thought about drinking hooch for a few days, but just like that *snap* I was thinking about when I would make time for an empty barstool and a glass full of Liquid Courage. I don't pretend to be a Biblical scholar so I'm not really sure what is supposed to be learned during this time, but today I learned something about me: I look to drink when I experience an intense emotional event. I know my liver wishes I'd discovered that a long time ago...

I Tried to Keep it Abstract...

I think everyone relishes standing out. I mean who doesn't like being an individual? Wearing whatever moves you regardless of the newest trend...saying the first thing that comes to your mind despite your surroundings or company. But with that freedom comes a penalty. You invite yourself to be misinterpreted by others. It doesn't bother you much when it comes from random co-workers or "friends" who are really on the fringe of being just that. It really messes you up when people who "know" you hit you over the head with it. It's like they accept you, but they do so begrudgingly. It's almost as if they've given up trying to shape you in their own image. I'm not going Biblical with the GOD creating Adam undertone here, just venting. On some levels you can brush it off, because the jerk in you that allows you to be an individual has created this "screw it" mentality. But the other .001% of the time, it bothers you. Deeply. To the point where you're forced to take a step back and analyze yourself. Really look deep into your soul. Questions arise.

"How has the way I've lived my life impacted others?"

"Do I need to alter my lifestyle to appease others despite the fact it may make me like myself less?"

Then the awkward silence happens. Apologies are made. Jokes replace the silence and we move on. Only we don't. The questions keep you up at night, forcing you to confront what's been said. And then you realize it...you're not sure if you like you anymore. But it's ok, because it makes her happy.

Happy Easter

A few questions for you all to ponder or even answer this Easter*

1. Can The Pope retire?
2. Where does he get that bedazzled hat from?
3. Does The Pope Beanie (you know the faux yarmulke he wears) stay on his head underneath the bedazzled hat?
4. If The Pope is allowed to retire, what does he get?




*Yes these are actual questions I asked aloud to people*

A Recap...

A few months ago I place an order for curly fries.

I got them thinking I'd only snack on them for a little bit. I never thought they'd be my entree.


What the chef didn't tell me was that these fries came coated with love instead of Lawry's. Imagine my surprise when I took a bite.

I noticed the tang of paprika was missing. No hint of garlic here.

Instead I tasted passion and lust and sex...and it tasted damn good.

I yearned for my curly fries...needed to feel them tickle down my throat as they filled me up.

Soon I noticed my soul was full. Something I hadn't felt in years.

Panicked, I rushed to the bathroom...channeling my inner bulimic Eastern European model.

Months of snacking lay floating in my toilet. Relieved I flushed and looked forward to the next snack.

Today I'm still searching, looking for something to fill me.

Just When I Thought I Was Out...I Get Tagged

I'd like to thank the Academy for this award...lol. But seriously, good look on recognizing a trill dude keeping it trill. And now, I will continue to comply and list some more truthiness. A picture of the person who tagged me, however, will remain at a minimum. And by that I mean, ya'll ain't getting none. Just use your imaginations.

1) I really did tell you the truth. I wasn't ready.

2) If I lived there, things wouldn't be easier, they'd be the same. Only I'd have more excuses not to see you. Maybe it's how things will always be with us.

3) Sarah Palin could get it. But only with her glasses on and her hair down. The minute she switches to contacts, gets Lasik surgery or puts her hair in that bun, she gets crossed off the list.

4) Ok...the bun can stay. But I need those glasses on!

5) I admit it...OJ did it. *hangs head in shame and puts down black power fist*

6) Dating is for the birds...at least when you don't have any dates. Kinda like you don't appreciate the right to vote until it's taken from you. Shout out to my dudes locked up.

7) LOL...I really don't know anyone locked up. I just needed a way to lessen the blow of me having a suck ass social life.

Seeing as how I am a rule breaker, I will not tag anyone. I believe in free will. You wanna spill your guts on the internet...go right ahead.

Outsourcing

I swear to butter, if one more person from Iowa takes my order for a #2 Super-Sized with an iced tea at the McDonald's around the corner from my apartment I'm going to flip out. It happened today on my lunch break. I decided to venture away from vending machine cuisine and get real food. I drive to Mickey D's and place my order with what sounded like a Black chick. Yes you can sound Black...try it at home. So when I get to the window what do I find? One of Team China's gymnasts...real talk. Shorty looked she was fresh off the rickshaw. How did we go from Jenny From The Block taking my order to Ming-Na Wen taking my money. *sigh* We've got to do better.

Detox Is On The Way*

You need to git up, get out and get something.
Don't let the days of your life past you by.
You need to git up, git out and git somethin.
Don't spend all your time tryin to get high.
You need git up, git out and git somethin.
How will you make it if you never even try.
You need to git up, git out and git somethin.
Cuz you and I got to do for you and I

When in doubt turn to OutKast. Or Mom. Either one provides the verbal ass-kicking needed to get through the day. I had someone else to do that...but I screwed that up. Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies.

*Shout out to Pimpin Ken (no homo). I told you I had an update! More on the way!