Sometimes a brotha just wants to get his thoughts out...

Friday, September 28, 2007

I lose myself in the flashback and almost crash into a guardrail. A quick jerk of the steering wheel and I'm back on track. Mentally and physically. You'd think after all this time, I would have forgotten all the stuff that got me where I'm at. But if I forget then I can't grow, so maybe that's why the sirens still ring in my ears. The blood long washed away still feels warm on my face. The road starts to fade away again as I start to get my Marty McFly on. Thankfully me jerking the wheel to avoid becoming road kill woke up my daughter.

"DADDY TURN THE WHEEL!!!!"

Kiara's shrill voice snapped me out of it. Another sharp jerk of the wheel keeps us alive. Kiara looks at me with a "what the hell was that" glare. Without even looking at her I pull over onto the shoulder of the road. Her look nearly burns a hole in my face.

"Daddy, you've been acting funny since we left Ms. Mable's house. I didn't want to ask you anything since I know you don't like to to talk about her, but is everything ok?"

Perceptive little person isn't she? I blame the water in California.

"Nah Stinka. I've just been stressed out about this drive. I forgot how long it was."

As I finish that last sentence, I take off my seat belt, open the car door and get some fresh air. Hopefully this will really clear the cobwebs in my head. I guess seeing Charlene messed me up more than usual. Most times after I'd pick up Kiara from her place I'd be so tired that I wouldn't have time to think. Despite what my daughter may have thought I really was away on business. The love for art was blooming again and I was in the middle of it. Some say painting died a long time ago. I just say people forgot how to perform CPR. Back in the day the streets were flooded with artists. Not people who just throw paint onto some white posterboard. I'm talking cats who made the Mona Lisa look like a stick figure. But, just like me, one bad painting turned everyone off to the idea of cubism, realism and the subtle genius of Norman Rockwell. My masterpiece of failure was killing Charlene's brother. My head was somewhat clear now despite the melancholy events that lingered in my subconscious. I got back in the car and looked at my still slightly frightened daughter.

"I'm sorry Stinka. This ride is really getting to me. What do you think about us finding somewhere to just rest for a little bit?"

"But Daddy won't we miss the grand opening of the sea lion exhibit? You know how much I love them. They're the ones we always talked about going to see."

She looked up at me with those dark brown eyes. And I swear they had a hint of tear in them.

"Looks like we're gonna press on huh? Cause I doubt you'll forgive me if you miss them."

"Probably not Daddy. Who knows, you could be the reason I'll need rehab when I'm 22."

She looked at me and flashed a toothy grin. Note to self, cancel all the smart channels. I'll be damned if my kid keeps outwitting me. I rolled my eyes and started up my '08 Mustang. Kiara kept smiling as she buckled her seat belt.

"Now remember Daddy, keep your hands at 10 and 2 and make sure you pay attention. We can't afford an accident. I'm precious cargo."

Not only is she smart but she's funny. What kind of monster have I created? I pulled back onto the highway and continued our trip. An hour later Kiara was back asleep and I was back to my flashback. It wasn't voluntary. But seeing the sister of the guy you murdered who also happens to be the mother of your child will miss anyone up. Seeing Terry's mugshot on TV did more than make me sick. It forced me into making a deal with the Devil. Charlene came to my room to check on me. Despite our spats we did love each other. Or at least we tolerated each other enough to have sex. Besides after 14 days of solitude, I welcomed any human contact. She walked in and immediately the funk of vomit and BO smacked her in the face.

"I thoughy homeless people smelled bad, but this place smells like you hung up shit-scented air fresheners. Light a match nigga, damn! And why do you smell like Fritos and sour cream? You been fucking with those white bitches at UCLA? I swear to GOD Donovan, if you gave me or our baby something..."

She continued to go off as she found somewhere to sit down. Good to see that impending motherhood had mellowed her out. I was too dehydrated to argue. Instead I made my way back to my bed. I pulled out a notebook from inside one of my pillowcases. While I was trying to wrap my head around everything I had done, I wrote everything down. Every. Fucking. Thing. From the slashing of Terry's throat to my suicide attempt. Luckily I'd run out of painkillers 2 days ago. Once I fished out the confession/suicide note I gave it to her.

"What the fuck is this your homework? Ain't you the one on scholarship?"

"Shut up and read. I'm going to to get some water and take a shower. I just hope you're here when I get back," I weakly said.

And for once, Charlene listened to me. Maybe it was because she felt the serious tone I was using deep in her spine. Or it could have been the vomit breath I had acquired after two weeks of dry heaves. Either way she kept quiet and read. I grabbed a towel, some shower shoes, a rag, some soap and made my way to the showers. The warm water and Irish Spring helped wash away the dried blood and scabs. But the solitude of the shower forced me to think about the past. Nothing like being alone with your conscience and GOD to make you think. I dried myself off and made my way back to my room. When I got there I noticed the door was slightly cracked. I opened it all the way and saw Charlene pointing a gun at me. My note was in her other hand. Before I had a chance to say anything, I heard a noise. Then everything went black. And for the first time in about two weeks, I felt at peace.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Good Reading

I've been looking for a book that cna not only advance my knowledge, but also my self worth. So yesterday I hit up a Barnes & Noble in Virginia Beach in search of said book or books. I did find somethings that will help me out. Bought "The Souls of Black Folks" by W.E.B. DuBois. No I've never read it and no you can't take my Black card because of it! I figured I want to see what all the hype is about, plus it was like $10. So I figure some low budget learning never hurts. I also picked up a book that'll add to my bag o' tricks. Apparently I already have the gift of gab and a few other talents (can't mention those cause this is a family blog). What's the book you ask? "The Art Of Sensual Massage". While you ponder that, I have an announcement...check the archives for some back story cause I don't want to lose anybody. I'm serious this time. Jameil stop frowning and saying "HMPH" cause I can't hear or see you. Check Friday afternoon. That doesn't mean directly at 12:01...more like 3 or 4.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Model Chick Update

I now know how it feels to be a woman...kinda...PAUSE!!!! So I spoke to the model chick earlier in the week. And she hit me with the "I don't want it to seem like I'm leading you on" lines. As she's saying all this, I'm laughing in my head because I've said that so many times to so many women. I wonder how many of them have laughed in their heads? Ah well. So I guess that was her way of letting me down easy...she don't know about the kid. I wrote that chapter in the book of game when she was breast feeding. So this year's season of "Top Model" has ended. Time to find something else to keep me occupied. Maybe I'll write some more...

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Got Me A Model

A few weeks back I told a co-worker of mine that I was through with dating these locals. They either had emotional issues or kids. If you're crazy we can work through it, sort of. But if you got some rugrats, you get the doorknob. So out of the blue she mentions how her best friend feels the same way about the local guys out here. See where this is going? So she calls her girl and leaves her voicemail about some guy she wants her to meet. So it's like a week later. I'd just gotten home from work and was watching SportsCenter. Then my phone rings. It's a number I'm not familiar with. If you know me, you know I won't pick up if you call from some unsolicited number. Truthfully, when you call me from a number I do know, I still don't pick up. But nevertheless, I pick up and it's my co-worker's best friend. She and I start chatting and eventually we agree to meet up that night. For me it's a win-win. That same night one of my other co-workers was having a going away party. So I figure if old girl looks like "Oh shit!", I have a back up plan. So we agree to meet at this restaurant in Virginia Beach (not The Cheesecake Factory...ass). Now I'm not nervous, cause I'm cooler than a milkshake in a snowstorm, but I am a little anxious. The chick at my job did mention her girl is a model. Yes...a model. So I start crunching some numbers mentally, the average model is what 5'7" to 5'8". If she's got on the "come get it" shoes she'll be about my height. Also, she'll be on the skinny side. Now I don't mind you being thin, but if I can see your ribcage expand and contract while you breathe, we need to get you a pork fat IV or something. So I'm standing in front of the spot in my polo, jeans and fresh out the box Air Force 1's when my phone vibrates.

"I'm walking up behind you right now. Do you see me?"

I turn around and see this 5'8" or 5'9" dark-skinned woman. She has on these skinny jeans, black stilettos (did I spell that right?), white top with a 3/4 length jacket on. I know I'm not doing the outfit justice, but let's just say she walked like a model and dressed like a model. So I'm gonna guess that was her. We exchanged hugs and headed inside the restaurant. The wait was crazy long, like an hour to 90 minutes, so I called an audible. There was a Coldstone Creamery less than 30 feet away.
Two Gotta Have It's later she and I are chatting it up about anything and everything. She's 22, just out of Virginia State (players mess up too) and still living at home (strike one!). The night starts winding down and I almost forget about the going away party.

"I forgot I told some work friends I'd go to this going away party. You want to go with me?"

A short walk around the corner and we're at this bar/restaurant/club. And it's like all eyes are on her and me. I introduce her to the Saltines (white people) and mingle a little bit. I catch the model chick talking to my co-worker's girlfriend.

"...really that's interesting. Can I just say something? You are so beautiful."

We hang out for about a half an hour when the model mentions she has to get up early the next day to do a few things. So we say our goodbyes and I walk her to her car. We hug, promise to call each other and she leaves. I go back to the bar/restaurant/club and everyone has their Kool-Aid smile.

"Oh my GOD she's so pretty! Is she a model or something?"
"Actually she is."

Now that I've caught you up, here's the dilemma. I slowly see myself cutting her off. Let me explain. We went out again about a week after that. I believe we saw "Rush Hour 3". Everything went great. No complaints or anything to report. In person. But when we're on the phone I feel like there's nothing there. It's like we don't talk about anything relevant. I don't to make it sound like I want to discuss the social impact of W.E.B. DuBois' "The Souls of Black Folk" on the modern African-American. But sometimes I feel like the spark ain't there. Great in person, wack on the phone. Now is this a case of me looking for something to be wrong or am I just making all this up in my head?

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Boomerang

I'm glad you're coming back. I just wish it wasn't now. Had it been like a few months after you left that you decided to come back home, I could deal. Because the feelings would still be fresh. But if that's the case, would the understanding I have now due to the past have developed? What I mean is you leaving and us not being us actually helped me. You know? I needed to see what kind of person I was. And now that you're coming back, it's like you'll be seeing a whole new me. At least I hope. It'll be easy to fall back into the habit. But honestly, I don't know if that's Growth. Yeah, I'm back on that kick. Growth was you bitching me out on the phone and me saying fuck you (I said it in my head, so that may be why it's new to you). Growth was me finally calling Old Man River by his name because I knew you two were "us" instead of me and you being "us". And now it's Growth that has me apprehensive about how to feel about this. Nothing more would make me happier than to have you back in my life the way it was. But that wouldn't be Growth, that would be you taking a step back. I know, I know stop being so selfless, but at the core of who I am, that's who I am. I want what's best for you. If that means us starting like we did the first 10 days, I might have to say no. My penis will hate me for it, but the rest of me knows it's best. Will we have this conversation face to face? I doubt it. But it's necessary to get this out in some form. Maybe one of your friends who reads this is smart. But I pray she's dense.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Sexy Time!

I saw this on V's blog, who saw it on...everyone else's.

1. HAVE YOU GOTTEN LAID IN 2007?
Yes sir! But still I'm not satisfied...

2. EVER HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE?
Nah, but that is on the list though.

3. EVER LAUGH DURING SEX?
Yeah. I always say if you can't be good, be funny.

4. EVER CRY DURING SEX?
Uh no. The fuck is this "Lifetime"?

5. DO YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE AFTER SEX?
Depends who I'm with and the circumstances that led to us having sex. If you're wifey or have wifey potential, we're getting our snuggle on. But if you're some broad you get your half of the bed...no more, no less.

6. EVER REGRET SEX WITH SOMEONE?
Yeah...but I mean hey I was in a slump...

7. EVER FAKED AN ORGASM?
Nah

8. DIRTY TALK, OR SHUT THE FUCK UP?
I'm a talker...

9. EVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX?
***looks around the room uncomfortably and raises hand***

10. EVER MASTURBATE TO YOUR FRIEND'S SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
WOW! That's how we feel in 2007??!! No I haven't

11. EVER HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND?
Oh yeah. And each one is better than the previous one.

12. EVER WATCH PORN DURING SEX?
No, but I've had some suggestive music on. You pair that with my imagination and it's porn-like.

***WHY IS THERE NO NUMBER 13???***

14. EVER THOUGHT OF SOMEONE ELSE DURING SEX?
LOL...yeah. When I was a freshman in college, I had pictures of some half naked chicks on the ceiling above my bed. So one afternoon this chick comes through and we get it going. But I wasn't really digging her so "my man" wasn't getting with the program. So in order to get the job done, I had her get on top so I could focus on the chicks on the ceiling.

15. HAS THE CONDOM EVER BROKEN?
Yeah

16. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING SEXUAL EXPERIENCE?
I've already blogged about it. Search the archives bitches!!!

17. HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY?
13...no bullshit

18. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH RIGHT NOW?
This chick I just got off the phone with.

19. DO YOU THINK THAT #18 IS POSSIBLE?
With this face, anything is possible (LMAO...that shit sounded mad conceited!!!)
20. ARE YOU HORNY NOW?
Yeah, it's been a minute since I had some. I'm due.

21. HOW MANY SEXUAL PARTNERS?
Wait let me consult my list. And yes I have a real list of people I've had sex with. I write each one down with a name, date and description of the woman. ***looks at list***...between 25 and 30.

22. DO YOU LIKE SEX IN THE CAR?
It all depends on what kind of car. If you've got a Geo Metro, we ain't getting it poppin. I'm too tall for that shit. Now if you got like a Lexus truck, then we can talk.

23. DO YOU STILL TALK TO THE PERSON YOU LOST VIRGINITY TO?
Nah, haven't seen her since 7th grade.

24. EVER HAVE SEX WITH A RELATIVE/FRIEND'S SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
She wasn't his significant other, but they were really good friends.

25. EVER BEEN WITH A CHEATER?
I'm sure we all have. No one's perfect, right? ***looks around the room and realizes he's alone in thinking that***

26. TOYS, GOOD OR BAD?
Bad. I'm the star of the show, not some battery powered tounge.

27. LINGERIE?
It's nice to look at, but I mean at the end of the day it's gonna be in a crumpled heap somewhere in the bedroom.

28. EVER SLEEP WITH A CO-WORKER?
No, but I'm trying.

29. WHERE HAVE YOU HAD SEX?
(x) park
( ) church
( ) cemetery
( ) beach
(x) boat
( ) school
( ) parent's bed
(x) your bed
(x) car
(x) picnic table
( ) kitchen counter
(x) couch/chair
( ) dining room/kitchen table
(x) woods (open and/or in a tent)
( ) hood of a car
(x) bathroom
( ) shower
( ) bathtub
(x) the other person's bed
( ) porch/deck/balcony
( ) in a house with parents home
(x) at a party
( ) on top of the washer/dryer
( ) with other people in the room
(x) hotel
( ) concert
( ) grandparent's house
( ) field
( ) bleachers
( ) bookstore stock room
( ) linen closet

30. How many virgins have you "deflowered?"
Never had any rookies on the team.