Should I Feel Bad?

Song Playing: "Darlin Nikki"-Prince

So this weekend tis guy dies. But he's not just some random guy. A lot of people I am close to knew him, so naturally they are all affected by it. Dude was a doctor at like 23 or 24, was about to be married in like a month and he dies in a car accident. What the fuck right? That's just one of the things that's bothering me.
The other thing is I really don't feel any type of way about it. I mean I'm not here bawling my eyes out. Not because I'm some prick who has no feelings, that's the farthest thing from the truth. It's just that I didn't have the same connection to him that all my other friends did. So this puts me in an awkward position. I don't want to come off as the cold-hearted bastard, but I don't want to be fake and shed false tears because that would only dishonor him. I remember when I was younger and another friend of mine died in an accident.
I understood death at a young age (which wasn't a good thing), but I didn't know how to react to it. I never cried for my friend. He was one of the first people I met when I moved to my house in Jersey, and I couldn't mourn him. Sometimes when I sit back and think about it I feel bad. I thought there was something wrong with me for not crying...I mean everyone else did it, why not me?

But continuing on the man that died, I initially thought thatit was fucked up, which it is. But then My old roommate and I started talking about it, and I said something that still shocks me even after I said it (being the backslider I am). I said maybe it isn't our place to understand why he was taken from us. No one can see God's plan for them, no matter how hard they try. All we can do is live everyday like it is our last, and I truly believe this man did.

So when my friend's come to me with their heads bowed and their eyes full of tears, I'll pick them up and give em a tissue.

With all that being said...Rest In Peace Dr. Kenneth Riddle. I may have not known you as well as my friends did, but your impact on them shows. So in turn I do know you and I can say you are, were and always will be respected, loved and never forgotten.

I Ain't No Poet But...

Song Playing: "Sweet Lies"-Usher
I do write from time to time. It's my therapy when I can't vocalize my thoughts. So I figured I'd put something on here that I wrote a while ago.

Why I Wear My Hat Low

A lot of times people have come up to me and asked me, “Why you wear your hat like that?” And for a while I didn’t have an answer until now.

To some people it’s a way to show support for their local or favorite sports team.
For others it symbolizes what gang they’d die for.
And for a small percentage of people it depicts their favorite beer or favorite NASCAR driver.

But for me, my hat is my armor.

I take the brim and flatten it so it meets with the horizon that separates me from my ultimate prize and my eventual punishment.

I pull the fitted down over my brow to keep my honesty from leaking out of my head.

I couldn’t be truthful all the time.
Imagine that!!??
Me telling my ex I still love her;
Or telling my little brother I look up to him for his work ethic and not because of our height difference;
Confessing to my father that he really is my hero cause he worked nights but would go to work late cause I had a basketball game at 7 even though the line started 6:30;
Letting my mom know she’s my inspiration because she went from a 1-room to putting her third degree on the wall in her corner office.

Are you serious?
I couldn’t that.
I’d crush their opinion of me and honestly I couldn’t live with that.

So I’ll go in my closet, pull out my seven and five eights size Blue Jays fitted.
Gently pull it over my shape up and let it firmly rest on my brow,
And keep in my thoughts.

That way my friends will only come to me for comic relief and not guidance.
So my parents will still think I’m on the cusp of greatness instead of wallowing in it.

But like I said this is armor.

And that’s why I wear my hat low.

If You're Sensitive You Might Not Wanna Read This...

Song Playing: "I Run NY" Tony Yayo Feat. 50

Still here? Well I warned you. Here goes...Why in the world are people still searching for Natalie Holloway? If you've been getting your Saddam on and hiding in a spider hole you're probably wondering who the hell is Natalie Holloway. I'ma sum it up. She's this 18-year-old chick from Alabama (white chick). Her and her senior class go on a senior trip to Aruba (I ain't have no trip in high school did any of you?). The day everyone is supposed to go home...Natalie is missing. That was in like late April. It's Late August...do the math. We're going on 4 months of coverage of looking for this white chick. This ain't a racial thing...but then again it is. Had this been a black girl from Anywhere, USA all you woulda heard about her was that she's missing and the story would've ran for about a month. TOPS. I hop they find the girl or her remains because no parent should have to go through this. However, I still think it's bullshit that we've spent 4 months covering a white girl when there was hardly a mention of the founder of Ebony magazine dying. I was talking to my friend and I wa just my honest self. I told her Johnson just died on the wrong day. He and Peter Jennings died on the same day. Once again do the math...beloved White TV anchor vs. Black magazine founder. I ain't a racist, I just ain't blind.

Bein A Grown Ass Man Ain't Cool

Song Playing: R. Kelly "Anymore Room"

All our lives we strive to be older because we think that there's some proverbial pot o' gold at the end of the rainbow. Well here's a reality check...I'm black, I ain't Irish and I aint never been to Ireland so there goes my pot huh? Don't get me wrong there are some perks to being an acult black man in 2005. Um.....the age range of women available to you is RIDICULOUS!!!!! I mean think about it: you can go as low as 18 and as high as you want. That's about the only perk I've realized. Some non-perks are: paying bills by yourself, WORK, goin to work, staying at work until you can leave, going to sleep knowing you have to wake up just to go to work again (notice the pattern?). Now I know I mentioned the availabilty of all those ladies right? When you gonna go meet them? That's right...no more class being over at 12 pm on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. You're on the clock for at least 8 hours, you sleep about 6 to 7 hours which leaves roughly seven hours to meet and talk to someone who might be normal. Bein a grown ass man is not cool. So to anyone out there reading this who is still pursuing their undergrad degree I have some advice...STRETCH THAT SHIT OUT!!!!!

That's Me

I figured since I said I was handsome I might as well have some proof. So here's the kid with that Kodak smile. In case you were or weren't wondering I had braces. The rest of me is God-given. So you can thank two people...my orthodontist and The Man Upstairs.

1st Entry

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Jarrod. I'm black and I have random thoughts. Sometimes these thoughts keep me from going to sleep so I started this to get out my randomness.
But before I get into that, I guess I'll let you know a few things about myself. If you are squeamish or fear raw thought...you might wanna consider hitting that X in the top right corner. Still here? Well can't say I didn't warn you.

1. I'm orginally from NJ (Roselle to be exact).
2. I work and live in Virginia.
3. I work in Norfolk at WTKR. It's a television station.
4. I live in Hampton.
5. I got my ears pierced (yeah they're real diamonds too)
6. I got two tattoos but I only claim one because I have plans of adding to my 1st one.
7. The tattoo on my wrist is a Chinese symbol that means "family".
8. My favorite cartoon is Tom & Jerry.
9. My mom is best friend and the person I confide in.
10. My mom doesn't know that my ex-girlfriend had to abort our child.
11. Haven't had a girlfriend since senior year of high school.
12. I was 17 then, I'm 22 now.
13. I see myself becoming more and more like my father everyday and that scares me. (My DPP niggas know what I mean).
14. I doubt myself constantly to the point where I get mad at myself.
15. I'm my own worst critic.
16. I hate making mistakes.
17. I hate losing at anything(this ranges from board games to not getting a job)
18. I have a tounge ring.
19. No I'm not gay or bisexual.
20. I love women of all colors. They can be light bright or midnight. As long as the streets are clean I'm walkin em.
21. I like pleasing the woman (or women) I'm with.
22. My humor is my shield.
23. I haven't cried in over 10 years.
24. My nonchalant attitude has been constructed over the years. I used to give a fuck.
25. My younger brother inspires me.
26. I'm torn daily between what I do and don't believe in spiritually (that'll be a seperate blog so just make a note to tune in for that one).
27. I'm an associate producer at WTKR.
28. It is an important position I just downplay it a lot of times.
29. There are times when I try extra hard to be ordinary.
30. I fear greatness because I've been there and know the good and bad sides of it (another seperate blog).
31. My friends in NJ are the most eclectic group of people ever assembled, and I love them all even though sometimes I feel out of place.
32. I try to come off deeper than I am to people I think are deep.
33. Sometimes I forget smart people are normal and just wanna get drunk like me.

I think that's all I'm gonna give you for now...until next blog.